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June 30, 2002
Insanity Cured
As I've mentioned before, last year at this time I was insane.
No, really. I was starting to get better, but I it had been an awful three months -- possibly the worst I'd ever had.
My two-and-a-half year, long-distance relationship with Christian had just finished dying a painful, overdue death. The last year of the relationship had been a time of isolated misery. I spent my time denying to myself and everybody else that the relationship was on its last legs and I was desperate -- desperate for a distraction, for attention, for fun.
So just as I was breaking up with Christian, I went looking for it. But we all know desperation never yields anything worthwhile, and though I got about two weeks of fun, attentive distraction from Omar he also served me up about three months of betrayal and despair.
Then I got wait-listed at the graduate program that I thought I really wanted to attend.
When I write it all out like that, it seems so small. It didn't at the time -- I was a mess.
When things started getting really bad, I started writing again. It was part of my promise to myself that I wouldn't lie to the world anymore (as I had about my relationship with Christian) and it also provide me a way to wallow in self-pity without driving my friends crazy (as I was already doing talking about Omar). I had always enjoyed writing informally, and blogging really fit that style. People reached out to me, one in particular.
We became friends. First we e-mailed. He was polite, funny and smart. Then we used AIM -- and he was hilarious, patient and kind. Then we talked on the phone for hours -- his voice was so different on the phone than I had expected, but I got used to it. Then, one year ago today, we met in the doorway of his apartment. That weekend he helped me find a place to live in New York and alleviated my fears that I would be swallowed up by the big city.
Though you'd never guess it now, we spent the next two months in an uneasy truce; a combination of my above-mentioned insanity and his eagerness. When it comes to relationships, we're both all-or-nothing people and I was gun-shy. I kept my distance. Then one day, click. It was all, instead of nothing.
This weekend was like a variation on that first one -- me on Amtrak from DC to New York, us reading in the park, everybody sweltering in the heat of summer in the Big Apple. We did many of the same things -- saw foreign movies, had dinner at Gabi's. We marvelled at the year that has passed, and laughed at the details of our first meeting that we had forgotten, or had gone untold.
We're good together. We're so alike that Alaina burst out laughing the first time she met him -- "You're the same person!", she said. We laugh all the time. We hold feet while we sleep. It's a serious relationship that doesn't feel heavy. It's what I always wanted -- it's what I want still.
Posted by shannon at June 30, 2002 08:45 PM | For related posts:
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Posted by: Jill at July 2, 2002 11:46 AM